Jewbauchery is proud to announce: Purim Masquerade 2013.
God bless the internet.
JEWBAUCHERY IS BACK.
Impossible. Ingenious. Nice Jewish Boy.
Allow us to happily introduce you to Esti Ginzburg. At twenty one, this Tel Aviv native has been working as an actress and model for thirteen years - since she was eight years old. One might say her career has officially been bat mitzvahed.
In 2009, she willingly entered into military service in Israel - a move that other models (*cough* BAR RAFAELI *cough*) dodged.
Says the girl herself, “Military service is part of the things I personally believe in.” So, effectively, she could kick your ass, and you’d probably thank her for it.
Esti has been featured in campaigns for Tommy Hilfiger, Burberry and FCUK, and has been in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in 2009, 2010 and in this month’s issue as well.
Check out the rest of her gallery here, and please, try to restrain yourself (or she’ll have to do it for you).
Serious serious thanks for the heads-up to our favorite Goy, Tim Goessling, of thisLAlife fame, who insists that we include the following byline:
'The greatest blogger on the planet, the destroyer of dames, a mensch in his own right… The one, the only: TPG.'
Right. Well. Thanks, Tim!
When you think about the presence that Google has in the world today, it’s hard to actually fathom the sheer amount of people doing/thinking/using something Google related. It may just be easier to list the facts:
1) Most visited website on the internet with 7.2 billion daily page views from 620 million users.
2) Most data processed on the internet with 24 petabytes per day -24,000,000,000,000,000 bytes or 1,000 terabytes.
3) Total assets: $40.497 billion dollars.
4) Google is a verb, officially certified by the Oxford English Dictionary in 2006.
5) Google products and Google-owned subsidiaries include YouTube, Google AdWords, Google Chrome, Android OS, Gmail, DoubleClick, Google Earth, Blogger, Orkut, GoogleTalk, AdMob, Postini, Google Buzz and more.
Not too shabby for Larry Page and Sergey Brin, two nice Jewish boys who had a combined age of 47 years old when they created Google in 1996 (they were 24 and 23, respectively). Certainly they could not have expected their creation to completely shape the future of the internet and internet usage, but then again, anyone really trying to formulate a plan for world domination from a garage owes it to themselves to try. Did we mention that these guys take a $1 yearly salary? With the billions each is worth from Google stock, I promise we haven’t forgotten that they’re Jews.
Without Google, countless millions of people would be helpless on the internet. It would be like the pre-Google days of dial-up America Online (now with 1000 free hours!). Remember how your parents would ask for help to write an electronic mail and wonder how you paid the postage. Attachments? Forget about it. You still had to do a book report reading the actual book and maybe using a 1980’s copy of Encyclopedia Brittanica. G-d forbid, you might have actually had to resort to those other mediocre-at-best search engines of the mid to late 1990’s, like Dogpile, Excite, Lycos, AltaVista, Mamma or (gasp!) Yahoo. Let’s not and say we did.
Neurotic. Romantic. Nice Jewish Boy.
Kibbitz & Kvetch is like the Jewbauchery version of Goofus & Gallant. Each entry will take a topic up for debate between your hosts, Matt & Jay, who will discuss the finer points of each side.
Matt: Not many things are more inherently part of a culture than its food. The Japanese have the California Roll. The Italians have pizza. The Mexicans have Taco Bell. The Jews are no different, and today’s dish of choice has polarized the Jewish meal discussion for years. Of course, we’re talking about the concoction that is Gefilte Fish.
Jay: Bleugh. All yours, dude. I’ll take oxygen and water over that unholy creation any day of the week. You wanna know how that got started? Somewhere, in some sub-clause of the Torah, there’s a tiny eency weency little song-and-dance about not lettings things go to waste over shabbat. And some enterprising soul, millenia ago, decided that fish was too good to not eat all Shabbat long. So he took the fish, deboned it, GROUND THE BONES UP, wadded the whole thing into some kind of bastardized hamburger patty and sprinkled weird snot goblings on top. You wanna know why we put horseradish on top of gefilte fish? So that we can’t taste the gefilte fish. True story.
Matt: True story: being wasteful is a modern Western phenomenon. It’s costly, lazy, and adds more Jewish guilt when your mother tells you she’s disappointed you didn’t finish your vegetables when there are starving people in Africa. Gefilte Fish is not only the epitome of throwing in everything but the kitchen sink, but it’s tasty. It’s not fried, it’s not loaded with sugar, and those “weird snot goblings” on top are vegetables. And don’t even begin to let me kibbitz on about horseradish, with or without beets the greatest condiment since Gulden’s Spicy Brown.
Jay: I’m not even kidding, man, I have statistical evidence to prove you’re wrong. Yes, I’ve had an aversion to gefilte fish my whole life, so no way did I know how to make it off the top of my head. I did some googling. First I wanted some history:
But that wasn’t a fruitful search. Perhaps, like penicillin, or breathalyzers, it was created by accident:
And still nothing. Enraged, I turned to my last resort. JUSTICE:
The numbers speak for themselves. More people are angry about gefilte’s very existence than care about where it comes from. And come on! Have you ever actually seen a Gefilte Fish? They’re the chicken nuggets of fish product. I’ll say it again: bleugh.
Matt: There’s something to be said about the Jewish appetizer. It’s an enigma of a course that typically appears at any formal Jewish affair. Sure, if it was a non-formal event, you could do the Pigs In Blankets route. But for sit-down meals, you’re severely limited in choices. Chopped Liver? I’m a huge fan, but try getting a picky eater to go with that. The only other option is Gefilte Fish. If you want to market it as chicken nuggets of fish, you’d have a healthier version of fish sticks, which even the picky eater can stomach. Gefilte Fish is more than just an appetizer. It’s a reminder of our history, where we came from. That little shtetl in Europe where our great-great-great grandfathers became prominent Rabbis and our great-great-great grandmothers still filled our ancestors bellies on a few kopeks, a prayer and a little salt for taste. That combination of sweet, salty and spicy conjures up feelings of family and holidays and what it means to be a Jew. As much as you may dislike it today, you can’t argue that it has earned its rightful place at the festive meal.
Jay: FINE. Fine. You got me there. While I find it disgusting and discomforting, I can’t help but admit that it is a Jewish tradition. If this was Kibbitz and Kvetch: Jay Likes Gefilte Fish, that shit would be game over. But I guess if we’re debating the very existence of - or rather, the merit of the existence of the Gefilte monster — I’ll have to concede.
Good taste says no. Tradition says yes. Gefilte Fish: WIN.
Matt: Score this one for a big win for Gefilte Fish. You just made every bubbe proud. Now who’s up for a big spoonful of Gold’s?
OR: How We Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Kiddush
You might be surprised to learn — we shouldn’t assume. Rather, we were surprised to learn — that Shabbat is the most important ritual in Judaism. Derived from the root Shin-Beit-Tav, the Sabbath (an anagram, for Hashem’s sake!) is the only Jewish ritual that’s actually name-dropped in the Ten Commandments, and we’re not just talking about our boy Charlton’s star turn. The commandment to remember the sabbath is so important, in fact, that it appears even before the commandment to honor thy mother and father - a commandment so natural, so simple, so undeniably human one wonders why it isn’t top of the list, a place held instead by G-d’s almost neurotic insistence that he is indeed the Lord, our G-d. But, pray tell: Was G-d not the father of all of us? (Or mother, if you’re going to be like that.)
We digress - but only slightly, and with a distinct lack of digression.
So what the fuck, then. What’s up with this Shabbat business? Ma Nish Ta Na Ha Laila, huh? What makes it so important that, in native Hebrew, it’s not just a thing you do, it’s the whole damn day - there’s no other word for Saturday besides Shabbat. Well, even the most ignorant among us certainly know the traditional trappings - no handling of money, no using electricity, no working, a quick trip to the temple (or four.) Maybe it’s just G-d’s version of Family Games Night.
We should preface this business by admitting that we here at Jewbauchery do not keep the sabbath. With all due respect to friends who do, we think our lives would be considerably less interesting (though arguably, considerably more spiritually engaging) if we did. And since our relationship with G-d is our personal matter, we won’t really touch on the religious aspects but rather, the heart of it all, the thing we Jews love to tout:
Welcome to a new feature here at Jewbauchery: Tales From The Vault. Effectively, it’s story-telling time down at the Jewbauchery campfire.
Jay here, with a personal story bound to tickle your fancy (Or your ivories. Or your ovaries. Welp. I’m sure I’ll tickle something.)
There’s few things more classic than blue jeans. Dependable, durable - a perfect standby. They go great with an old t-shirt, a sweater or a dress shirt and blazer. They are worn around the world by people from all different cultural backgrounds. And we wouldn’t be wearing these beloved fashion items if it wasn’t for the Jews. Between two of them, they would revolutionize American clothing. One of them in particular is a guy who’s name is known throughout the world — Levi Strauss.
In 1872, Levi Strauss, a dry goods merchant who had been selling a version of denim jeans to miners in California since the 1850’s and Jacob Davis, a Jewish tailor who purchased denim and other fabrics from Strauss joined forces. Together on May 20, 1873, they applied for a patent on copper rivets to strengthen the pockets and other stress points on denim work pants. Thus the modern day jeans were born.
Things have obviously changed a lot since 1873. Early blue jeans cost $1 - $2. Today, in upper-middle class areas, teenage Jewish girls are harassing their lawyer/doctor/CEO daddies for the newest $300 Seven jeans, most likely paired with $150 fur-lined footwear, aka “the unofficial Jewish American Princess uniform”. Whereas jeans used to be for men working in industrial industries who needed strength and durability in their work attire, now they are sold pre-washed, acid washed, ripped, bleached and worn by moms. Even the Canadians have their own claim to denim fame, the Canadian Tuxedo.
Next time you grab a pair of your favorite jeans, don’t forget to tip your yarmulke to the greatest Jewish addition to fashion before Ralph Liftshitz.
BONUS: For more information on the unofficial Jewish American Princess uniform, check out this music video we found in the Jewbauchery vault from our favorite Jewish musical comedy duo Mesch & Cod:
We can be very persuasive.
Over the years, many shiksas have fallen prey to our devilish charm, our sparkling dark eyes and our cheek-pinching bubbes. Not that we can blame them. Let’s take a quick look at some of our favorite former shiksas:
1) Elizabeth Banks
If you didn’t tell us she wasn’t Jewish from birth, we’d never know. Her mother worked in a bank. She graduated magna cum laude from UPenn. She’s spent most of her professional career hanging out with Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen. Can’t make this stuff up! She converted to Judaism upon marrying her college boyfriend that she started dating day one of freshman year, sportswriter and producer Max Handelman.
2) Isla Fisher
The Australian-raised actress converted to Judaism for her devout longtime partner, this guy. Apparently, Baron Cohen is pretty observant. Enough so that their wedding was originally postponed because her Torah studies went slower than expected. If she’s a Stage 5 Clinger, Ali G’s nothing short of a Stage 6 Stickler.
3) Ivanka Trump
It boggles our minds that she somehow came from this. Whatever happened there, it was nothing short of a miracle. In advance of her wedding to observant Jew, real-estate mogul and New York Observer publisher Jared Kushner, she converted to Judaism to honor her future husband. I would say lucky guy, but considering he was already worth multi-millions in his mid-20’s, he doesn’t need it.
4) Marilyn Monroe
According to TheDailyBeast.com, “Hollywood’s most famous blonde was born into a family of Christian Scientists. After falling in love with Jewish playwright Arthur Miller, she made an unusual request to have a rabbi preside over their wedding and converted in 1956.” You learn something new every day. Now we wonder if she ever sang “Happy Birthday, Rabbi Greenbaum”.
God bless freedom of religion and Jewish men with convoluted principles.