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We can be very persuasive.
Over the years, many shiksas have fallen prey to our devilish charm, our sparkling dark eyes and our cheek-pinching bubbes. Not that we can blame them. Let’s take a quick look at some of our favorite former shiksas:
1) Elizabeth Banks
If you didn’t tell us she wasn’t Jewish from birth, we’d never know. Her mother worked in a bank. She graduated magna cum laude from UPenn. She’s spent most of her professional career hanging out with Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen. Can’t make this stuff up! She converted to Judaism upon marrying her college boyfriend that she started dating day one of freshman year, sportswriter and producer Max Handelman.
2) Isla Fisher
The Australian-raised actress converted to Judaism for her devout longtime partner, this guy. Apparently, Baron Cohen is pretty observant. Enough so that their wedding was originally postponed because her Torah studies went slower than expected. If she’s a Stage 5 Clinger, Ali G’s nothing short of a Stage 6 Stickler.
3) Ivanka Trump
It boggles our minds that she somehow came from this. Whatever happened there, it was nothing short of a miracle. In advance of her wedding to observant Jew, real-estate mogul and New York Observer publisher Jared Kushner, she converted to Judaism to honor her future husband. I would say lucky guy, but considering he was already worth multi-millions in his mid-20’s, he doesn’t need it.
4) Marilyn Monroe
According to TheDailyBeast.com, “Hollywood’s most famous blonde was born into a family of Christian Scientists. After falling in love with Jewish playwright Arthur Miller, she made an unusual request to have a rabbi preside over their wedding and converted in 1956.” You learn something new every day. Now we wonder if she ever sang “Happy Birthday, Rabbi Greenbaum”.
God bless freedom of religion and Jewish men with convoluted principles.
What is it about Jewish men that non-Jewish women love?
Kiddush cup refills.
When a Jewish man dates a non-Jewish woman (a ‘shiksa’, if you will), the burden of guilt usually - and appropriately - falls on the man. Why is he dating outside of the faith? What, he’s too good for Jewish girls? Does he want his parents to have a heart attack? What is his problem?
Allow us here at Jewbauchery to pose a retort: What’s up, sexy heathens? Where are all you shiksas coming from? What is it about brown hair and big noses that you love so much? Don’t you know our grandmothers are contractually obligated to hate you from the outset? Why do you find us so intriguing, so engaging, so positively irresistible?
Is it the chase of locking one of us up before her single Jewish friends who complain about their failed JDates? The mouthwatering allure of a brisket dinner the first time she meets her future mother-in-law? Perhaps it’s the realization that the core Jewish ideals - strong family, importance of education, financial stability, talkativeness - are exactly what a goyish girl needs?
Needless to say, there’s simply no right or wrong answer. In the end, our fellow Yids can appreciate the beauty of all women, whether they are black, brown, yellow or purple (Attention: purple women - please seek medical attention, you’re doing something wrong). This topic is one that women have been asking themselves for a long time, and that Jewish men have been secretly high-fiving about for slightly longer.
There have even been books published on the topic, a personal favorite being “Boy Vey!: The Shiksa’s Guide to Dating Jewish Men” by Kristina Grish. Let’s be honest, there’s a lot of things that stand out about men of the tribe. There’s the fact that they like to travel in packs, the comfort that they’ll pick up the tab on a first date, the knowledge that they went to a good school. If that didn’t get you, maybe the chest hair will. It worked for this guy, that’s why they called him The Bear Jew. And look, we’ve got lawyers, we’ve got doctors, we’ve got accountants — think of the savings!
To some of them, dating Jewish guys can be tough. So to the lovely Jewish women of the greater Los Angeles area and beyond, we at Jewbauchery have but four simple words for you: Step up your game. Claim what has rightfully been yours since those Roman soldiers ransacked our temple to find what made those Babylonian shiksas rock our circumcised jocks so hard. Hurry up while you’re at it, or there’s gonna be a lot more Asian girls taking your place at your nearest Harvard singles mixer.